The Humor of the Irish and Sheila-isms!

 Being on an organized tour is not for the faint of heart. In four short days, we have covered so many miles and seen so many beautiful things. When I think about this vacation in the future however, the word “relaxing” will not come to mind. Our storytelling tour guide must have been an amiable drill sergeant in another life because she runs our platoon like a fine oiled machine.  The phrase “on and gone” has a new meaning to us all: “Be on the bus at the designated time because we are leaving.”  For the most part we have 42 people who are either guilt ridden Catholics like myself or our girl Sheila has us all scared to death that the bus will leave without us. 

And that is why I haven’t written in a few days. I haven’t been able to “put pen to paper” at night because I can barely get my teeth brushed due to exhaustion and I’m afraid to type in the bus for fear of getting sick—even while wearing my Sea Bands! 

Instead of writing about what we saw while getting on and off the bus, I thought I would memorialize some of the many hysterical phrases and jokes we have heard over the last few days.  We have yet to meet a boring Irishman—nearly all of them have made us laugh…a lot.  This is just a wee taste of that humor:

-A cab driver who took us to the train station for our trip to Portlaoise:  When we asked him whether he could take three of us to the Dublin train station, he said, “Hold on, let me get me bike!”

-Pat, our Portlaoise cab driver:  When he explained to us how busy he had become since he had given up the drink, he said, “I can sleep when I’m dead!” 

-The “jaunty” driver (horse and buggy) who drove us around Killarney National Park:

      - There are “tree” (three) rings in a relationship—The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering;

       -“Guinness makes you see double and feel single;”

        -“Our horses retire after 20 years or 100,000 miles—whichever comes first”;

         -“Yeah, our horse gets her steps in. That’s why she has a Fitbit in her mouth;”

         -“The difference between in-laws and outlaws are that the outlaws are wanted;”

          -“Do you know what happens when a politician takes Viagra?  They get taller;”

          - “Here in Ireland Viagra comes in liquid form. It’s called Guinness;”

           -“To the right is the Ross Castle. It is an ABC—another bloody castle.”

            -“There are ‘tree’ lakes in the park: The Upper, Middle and Lower.  We like to keep the names easy for the tourists;”

            -“Irish people never go to hell.  We are too green to burn;”

            -When asked about a small boat in the lake, our driver said, “Ah yes, that’s the Irish navy;”

             -“Politicians are like bananas. Green at first, but never straight.” 

And then there were the many comments and stories made by our dear tour guide, Sheila.  All of the “Sheila-isms” have been gems and I am almost certain that the three of us will adopt some of them when we return stateside. Here are the best of her repertoire :

         -When explaining that Viagra is made in Cork, she said, “All the men here say that Viagra is only for export;”

         -“Did you know that the good Lord was an Irishman? He was ‘tirty -tree’ years old and he was still living with his mother!”

        -“The only ‘singer’ in our house was the sewing machine!”

        -“Jaysus, Mary and sweet Joseph!”

        -When looking something up, “Just have a Google!”

        -She called our bus driver John, our “steerologist;”

        -When she was embellishing one of her many stories, she said she was doing a bit of ‘embroidery;’

        -When referring to a ‘work in progress,’ she called it a WIP.

But her hands-down best story was about a young couple who was living together but tried to sell their relationship to the young man’s mother (Apparently Sheila’s friend) as just roommates. Sheila—and apparently her friend—are proud, lifelong residents of Killarney in County Kerry. The son bought an apartment in Dublin and invited his mother up from Killarney to see the apartment and meet his roommate. She visited for a few days and had a grand time.  When she left, the girlfriend told the son that while she enjoyed being with his mother, her silver sugar bowl was now missing and his mother was the only one that could have taken it. She further said that he needed to ask her about it.

The son, with great trepidation, composed an email to his mother, first telling her that they very much enjoyed her visit and look forward to her returning soon.  He then said, “I am not saying you did, and I’m not saying you didn’t, but the silver sugar bowl is missing and I was wondering whether you may have taken it?

Sheila’s friend did not respond to the email for more than a week.  When she did, she told her son that she too enjoyed her visit and also looked forward to returning to Dublin. She then said, “As per the silver sugar bowl…I’m not saying she is, and I’m not saying she isn’t.  But if your “roommate “ is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found her silver sugar bowl there!

There were so many others but as I barely had time to get these down, I will have to save them for another time!

           

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